Letting Go Of Lee

Our Sylvia Plath-like week is nearly over here at the McDowell house, but is ironically ending on my late brother’s birthday – so... Just one more day to explore the ism of grief. This one, however, is quite possibly even more difficult to process. Unlike Daddy’s passing, we had no time to prepare for the loss of my brother, who was only 43 at the time. The following is an excerpt of something I wrote two years ago as I was grieving both my father and my brother’s deaths. If you are brave enough to walk through the “valley of the shadow” for one more day, you are welcome to it.

Originally written July 12, 2008 -
It was 2 years ago tomorrow that Lee took his own life. I remember the anguish of that call, the unbelief that encircled me. How could this be? It was a call we had all expected, dreaded, but somehow hoped would never come.
When you receive such a call that anyone you know and love has taken their own life, it is so morose that your mind cannot accurately deal with it. I suppose the emotion was only heightened because we had just been in the trenches for weeks following Daddy’s heart attack. I assumed the “death” call I would receive, if any, would be about my dad, but it was not.

The last time I saw my brother, was in the ICU after my dad’s heart attack. I honestly was not sure how I felt about his arrival. You see my brother was loving, funny, charismatic, but also bipolar and struggled with addictions. When Lee was doing well, he had a servant's heart, a giving nature, and a wonderful sense of humor. When he was struggling, it was difficult to see those parts of him you knew were there, just hidden beneath the isms. Gratefully, when I saw him in the ICU he seemed happy. From all outward appearances he seemed to be trying to turn his life around, and we all hoped that perhaps this time, it might be permanent.Anyone who has dealt with the highs and lows of a loved one who struggles with these “isms” knows how much you want to believe that this time will be different – no matter how many times you have been on that emotional roller coaster. I wanted so much for Lee’s story to read like hundreds I have read about: “His story was so hopeless, but then miraculously the Lord intervened. Lee accepted Christ and is now in full-time ministry bringing others like him out of bondage.”
But that was never to be Lee’s story. Oh, the Lord intervened and met him in ways I will probably never know, but Lee’s story does not unfold like a fairy tale. It was only a few weeks after my brief time with him when my father was still hospitalized that Lee decided to end his fight. I did not learn until his funeral that in the months prior to his death, he had – as described by the minister – “run down the aisle” giving his life to Christ fully. But for reasons only known to him, on that terrible night, he could only hear the horrible voices that tormented and urged him to end his life.

There is a Shane and Shane song that says “Son, welcome home. The war is over.” And that song brilliantly describes my brother’s life and death. The wars that raged in him, the voices that screamed at him were all that he heard that night. I truly believe that my brother thought it would be better to be with Christ – now that he sensed he truly could be – than to continue fighting the war.Am I angry at him? Yes. Do I blame him? No. I understand the temptation. To trade in the trials of this world for a savior waiting for me is extraordinarily inviting, but it is not His plan. And He asks us to continue to “fight the good fight” no matter what, and so we do.

In this season of mourning the suicide of brother and the long death of my father, I have found myself asking the question (that all mourners do) –

“What is the point?”

Lord, what is the point of all this reaching the masses, making a difference – blah – blah – blah – if our heavenly home awaits and we would be better off there? (I am sure you sense the grief there) – And in these final days of my season of mourning I hear,
“I AM”
"I AM the point – I have promised to never leave you or forsake you. I have summoned you and called you by name. I AM the Great Healer, Redeemer, Savior. I AM – I AM the point of it all. Trust and obey the I AM of it all and you will someday see the point. Hold on and fight the good fight because the Great I AM is fighting for you."

It has been the blessing of my loss. The epitaph to the great season of burial. ___________________________________________________
August 20, 2010 - Today would have been my brother’s 48th birthday. And despite the tragic way we had to lose him, we are still left with images of him when the war within was not so great - when all that mattered was baseball and being a family.






WAGING WAR
by Shane Barnard

It haunts me so
This gloomy weight
That comes and goes
Without a trace
A thousand times my flesh embrace
A thousand more but if for grace

To see the Lord, the promise land
Wherein all sin's pearly gates look bland
And what was once a pearl, now sand
That blows away in light of Him

When battle lines become unclear
And the waging war is all I hear
Sustain me with Your voice
And the choice to walk in truth
And by the Spirit

That I might see this day
This waging war might go away
And be no more
That I might see His face
And hear Him say
Son, welcome home
The war is over

Annie’s Memories of Pop Pop

Q – What do you remember about Pop Pop?

A – He always says, “Red, White and Blue.” Cause he was confused I think.

Q – How old were you when Pop Pop lived with us?

A – I think six or five.

Q – You were actually 3 going on 4.

A – Really? (Surprised and puzzled look on her face) I don’t remember that. I also remember that he liked fruit.
Q – Can you share a memory you have of him?

A – I went to the fourth of July with him. It was always fun. I stood next to him and sometimes talked to him. That (memory) makes me sad, cause he’s not here with us like he was last 4th of July. (actually three 4th of July’s ago – but who’s counting?)
Q - Did you do anything special for Pop Pop?

A – Umm... Filled up his fruit and candy bowl in his room so he could have his fruit early in the morning next to him.

Q – How did that make you feel to do that for Pop Pop?

A – Special cause Pop Pop would always say, “Thank you, Annie.” Sometimes he would get confused and call me “Sweetie Pie.” He probably thought I was his daughter.

Q – What was your favorite thing about Pop Pop?

A – Everything. Having Christmas with him. That way we could celebrate with all our family.

Q – Was there anything you didn’t like about him living with us.

A – I think it was perfectly fine. Because I missed him when he lived over there (Alabama) and we wouldn’t get to see him much. Like I could just go downstairs to his room and say, “Hi Pop Pop!”

Q – Did he ever do anything funny?

A- He did walk out without his stroller-thingy. The walker thing – I forget what it’s called. He walked out and he said, “Hey!” And we all laughed. Cause he didn’t usually come out without his walker because if he didn’t come out with a walker, he might trip. Q – How did you feel when Pop Pop died?

A – I felt sad. I felt sad for mommy cause that was her favorite dad.

Q – What would you tell other boys and girls that might lose a grandparent?

A – I’m sorry that that happened. And I would pray for them. God’s always with you and your parents are in your heart.

Looking Back Part 3 - The Surreal Life

Originally written
Wednesday, August 1, 2007

More of a window into my brain these days. Warning - beware - it is a strange place to be.

What a surreal life we are living right now. I know there are many who have walked this path before me and many who will walk it after me, but somehow when it is your turn it feels as if there is no way you can possibly walk through it. Then you look down and somehow your feet are moving and things are progressing. Stranger still is that I hear things being said and respond appropriately on the outside, but on the inside it is like that scene from the Matrix where the bullets are floating all around Neo but he isn’t touched by them in a bizarre slow motion. The words just linger there too large to be ingested. Too foreign to be understood. And then suddenly in a flash everything is at warp speed again.

“You need to call the funeral home to prepare for arrangements, would you like a flag or no flag, open or closed casket? His bowels may be obstructed and this is what we need YOU to do. He will either have a heart attack or drown. It could be days or months. Does he have life insurance? Where is his will? Do you want a DNR......” And on and on the words get spoken and linger out there till suddenly there’s a phone call and ....

“You’ve missed swim lessons, Are you coming to Bible Study? The sherriffs department would love a donation...” - “Real life” continues around me. I have two sweet girls who still need to be bathed, read to, and taught how to subtract, how to add three yellow bears and two green bears to make five bears in all. There is chicken on the counter that was destined to be lightly fried and drenched be a lovely lemon caper sauce with a side of sauteed asparagus, but instead gets moved back to the frig and replaced by turkey, chips and cereal. I have a sweet husband who verbalizes his great love of turkey sandwiches. Life – the normal one – desperately wants to continue on while the surreal one builds into the tornadic like state. All the pieces of the storm are coming together and I can’t stop it. I just stand and watch as cloud after cloud forms.


Yesterday a “well-meaning” person thought it was the right time to look at me and with an ever-so-accusing tone ask, “Why are you still bringing him to dialysis?” On the outside I stammered around with words like, “well I am just taking this one day at a time and doing the best I can and he says he still wants to come.” Inside my head was a much sharper conversation that went like this:
“Why are you still bringing him?”
“Oh I don’t know, somehow allowing him to drown in his own mucus, just seems a little disturbing to me today, so I brought him. Pardon me if we seem to be dragging our feet in your estimation.”
But of course those thoughts stay internal – at least for now. I am afraid there will be a day that the thoughts match up with the spoken word.

The reality is I ask myself that same question. On the ride home from dialysis I began to feel anxious about whether I am doing this right? I started to feel overwhelmed by the decisions I have to make and then watch. And I just looked at the Lord and said, “I just have to trust you Lord. Trust that you will tell me when and what to do and what and when to do it.” If I get tossed back and forth between everyone else’s experiences, advice and opinions I too will drown. So day by day I take this one step at a time, often feeling like I might fall at any moment, but the steps come.

Thanks again for "listening."

Looking Back Part 4 - It Is Finished

Originally written
Friday, August 10, 2007
Homecoming
Sweet Daddy decided to go on home at 4:15 p.m
I will fill in the beautiful details later.
________________________________________________

Saturday, August 11, 2007 1:00 AM

I thought for sure I would be able to just crash into bed tonight without having to get these thoughts out, but I should have known better.

Where to begin?
First let me again say thank you to everyone. Your words, prayers and actions have helped us in ways you will never know. I am so thankful to serve a risen savior who walked us through this journey.

This morning there was a noticeable difference in daddy. His breathing was labored and slow, but never desperate. He looked like a hard working machine that was determined to keep going. He rarely opened his eyes, but did on occasion and slept soundly from about 2:30 AM to 9:00 AM, as did I. The nurse's only explanation for how daddy had made it through the night was, "he is just a really strong man." And she was right.
At around 12:00 the hospice chaplain came by and prayed over daddy. As she finished praying, he sat up and opened his eyes with a sense of urgency. I moved quickly to his bed and held his hand and again respoke the words I had said so many times, "I love you daddy. It is OK to let go and go home." I even had the nurse alert my sister and my mom, but he slowly relaxed again, closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

But in that moment I realized that what the hospice books referred to as "the death rattle" had come. It is a unique sound that they say comes as a sort of warning bell that death is approaching. In daddy's case it was very "darthvadarish" and mimicked the sound of a respirator. And so from that moment on, I never left his bed (I was literally sitting on his bed) I also held on to his hand and decided I would not let go of it until I could "hand him over personally" to Jesus.

For about the next three hours I sat in his bed holding his hand much like I had done when I was a little girl. You see every night when I was little, daddy would come home and sit in his very "Archie Bunker-like" recliner. I was not content just to sit in a chair next to him. I had to sit on the arm of his chair while he watched the news, Sanford and Son, Hee-Haw, you name it. That was my understood designated spot with his left arm wrapped around me. It was my princess's throne.
As I sat in the bed with him today I could not help but think of that sweet memory. It was my favorite place in the world to be. I thought, "No wonder the disciples fought over who would get to sit next to Jesus." I felt the same way about daddy.

Mom brought a plate of lunch into his room for me to eat, but I couldn't bear the thought of letting go of his hand. So I ate one-handed and placed the computer right next to us. Worship songs played continuously and we all would occasionally sing them to daddy.

Finally at about the third hour of the hand-holding vigil, I figured out a way to actually lay down in the bed with him while still holding his hand. My head was at his feet so that I could continue to look at his sweet face. Everyone had sort of settled into naptime mode and I even found myself closing my eyes only to open them every time I thought the "rattle" had stopped.

The RN came in to check daddy's vitals and I asked her if what I as hearing was the infamous "rattle." She said yes. She wanted to check his blood pressure to be sure and it was at that moment that I felt like daddy's room was transformed into a holy sanctuary.

It is hard to put into words what began to happen so I will do my best, but remember it was so "of the heavenlies" that I know I cannot do it justice.

Her attempt to take his pressure was unsuccessful because it was so low and as she began to remove the cuff he squeezed my hand and opened those beautiful crystal blues eyes never to close them again.

As strange as it sounds I had been praying that I would be able to see those eyes just one more time again. I had no idea the final moments of daddy's life would play out like they did and how powerful that answered prayer would be to me.

When he squeezed my hand and opened his eyes it was as if it was a "call to arms" - this was no practice drill for him. He had a grid-lock stare into my eyes and as if I was his "birthing" coach, he looked to me to begin and I did.
"Daddy it is alright, you can do this. I will help you. We will do this together. Just let go of me daddy. Let go of my hand and reach for the hand of Jesus. I know you can hear your mama calling you for dinner. She is ready to hold you again. Daddy you can do it. I know you can. It is OK sweet daddy. I will be with you again. Save a place for me on your lap. I will be there in a twinkling of an eye. I promise you I will do everything in my power to see that those you love will be there too. It's OK daddy you can do it, just let go of me."
And in a moment that nearly took me with him, I felt daddy's spirit leave him. His armor tank of body was still pumping blood and air, but I knew instantly that he had gone. He was incredibly cold and I let out a deep sigh, because I knew he was gone.

A thought came to me that just as we had done in the CICU, I needed to tell daddy what he needed his body to do. When I would leave him in the CICU I would whisper instructions in his ear - things like, "OK daddy, while I am gone you have to get your blood pressure up, you have to fight that infection" or whatever he needed to tell his body to do.

And today I found myself still coaching him in how to die. "You did it daddy, you did it. Now daddy, you need to tell your heart it can stop beating, you're gone. You don't have to breath anymore, you're not there." And eventually the small tiny breathes he was determined to keep taking stopped and the small pulse disappeared.

I thought for sure I would need to run outside, scream, have a hissy fit maybe even "let God have it" for a minute, but by His grace I walked on to the back porch alone, took a deep breath and felt my spirit say, "It is finished." I lifted my hands in the air and admired the beauty (and the heat) outside. What a glorious release. I was so taken aback by the beauty and miracle of it all.

As Rob came out to comfort me I remembered that as daddy and I were "birthing him into heaven" right next to us Third Day was singing Blessed Assurance.

You want to know what daddy's death looked like? It looked like every word of that song that was blaring as he was ushered in.

I am living with blessed assurance that it was real. Jesus did come for him. Not a high power, not a great light, not the black abyss of uncertainty, Jesus his savior came for him and I got a foretaste of glory divine. And this is our story. The beauty of daddy's death can only be explained through the reality of his resurrection. It is not about being comforted by some thought of "a better place," Its about being so close to the face of God that my heart almost stopped too.

I have said before and I say again, I am a blessed, blessed, blessed woman. I will treasure daddy's death as much as I treasured his life.

Thank you for walking through these days with us. You just have no idea what a ministry it has been to us.

All my love,
Denise