After a long - and I do mean LONG - blogosphere absence, we are back. :) We could spend hours upon hours explaining the long hiatus or we could just start and play catch up later. I think we shall choose the latter.

So without further ado, let me reintroduce our family and our blog. Last we met was winter 2010. Ellie was 10 and Annie had just turned 8 and I had Adrenal Fatigue, and Rob was months away from becoming (unbeknownst to us) the Lead Pastor of our church. Fast forward 2.5 years - many therapies later (I promise we will fill in the blanks along the way) and we now have an almost 13-year-old pintrest loving young lady in Ellie, and a 10-year-old gymnast, prayer warrior in Annie - not only Livin' With Isms, but Thriving with Healing! Can't wait for you to be encouraged by all the Lord has done. We are still on the journey, but at such a very different place.

August 2010

Ellie has had such a heart to restart our blog. In fact there are rough drafts from 2011 and 2012 where she started to update, but for one reason or another, it didn't make to "post." But here we are.

E is for Ellie and M is for mom. In case you couldn't break the code. :)

Why Blogging?
M- Ellie, why such a desire to restart the blog writing?
E- Probably because I have changed, and I want to help more people.
M- Why is that important to you?
E- Because it was very hard when I was going through a lot of isms. When I was reading that book "Meagan's World," I was kind of wishing I could be her by conquering all my SPD and therapies and stuff. I was tired of going to therapies. I like the idea that what I went through has purpose.

Therapies
M- Do you think the therapies helped?
E- I think some helped more than others. It depends on where you are in your journey, but for me Dr. Stangel would be my number one helpful doctor. *(Stangel info below) Even though some of the things he suggested sounded weird - like standing up - closing my eyes and checking my balance, the therapies he had me do helped me get over stuff like textures, sounds, feelings, etc.

Dr. Tom and Erin Stangel - Dec. 2010
http://www.neurochatt.com

M- What kind of doctor was he?
E- Chiropractic Neurologist
M- How long was that therapy?
E- We went for three months - three times a week - and he was 1.5 hours away. (Hence the reason mommy developed adrenal fatigue - Livin' with Isms and driving three hours a day, three times a week for three months takes it out of the strongest sojourner.)
M- Do you feel like that was worth it? (I know mommy does)
E - YES! Definitely. Cause I was getting to a healthier stage and I could take some of that crazy stuff. I think it made the biggest difference, other than the diet.

Diet
M- What else do you think was a game-changer for you in the last four years?
E- Dietary changes were huge. We started with gluten free. That made a little bit of difference, but then we went dairy free and that made a bigger difference. And then we did the IgG test and that helped a lot more for about 6 or seven months. Then since my body changed, I would react to the stuff I wasn't supposed to and not react to stuff I was. So last summer we started a diet call the GAPS diet. It's almost like a Paleo diet. (GAPS info at the bottom also)
M- How is it different from gluten free - dairy free or even the IgG test?
E- Because in a gluten free diet you can have rice, corn, potatoes and any kind of grains. In a GAPS diet it is completely grain free diet. No quinoa, no corn.  You also have to have a lot of broth.
M- Why is grain free better than gluten free for your body?
E- For me personally, it has had more changes for me than the GFCF diet. My blood sugar levels are much more balanced than before. I can now eat a regular size meal and last for hours because before I had to eat every two hours if not before. Being hypoglycemic was not fun.
M- How did blood sugar levels affect your ism?
E- It would make me more irritable. Fatigued and not think straight.
M- Do you have any sugar in your diet now?
E- Yes, I sometimes have dark chocolate but mostly only honey for a sweetener. I still have to be careful about my "sugar" in take so I don't cause spikes and drops in my blood sugar. That's part of why I would get so fatigued - the up and the down.
M- If you could have rice or potatoes back in your diet, would you want them?
E- NOPE! I really despise potatoes and rice now because I think they affect me more than even wheat because of my blood sugar issues.
M- So you are grain free, dairy free, sugar free and starch free. What do you eat then? And does this feel better or worse than the other diets we've tried.
E- Definitely better because I used to only be able to eat about 5 foods without reacting. And now I can eat any meat, vegetable or fruit. I just have a small list of things I can't eat. I want to share about my lovely cookies.
M- OK, tell us about your lovely cookies.
E- They are my signature cookies - as I call them. They are a recipe from the "Almond Flour Cook Book" which I love. They are chewy chocolate cookies. And I crave them every time I think about a cookie.
M- Well what is possibly yummy about a cookie that has no flour, no sugar and no milk?
E- It taste almost like a regular cookie. Its almond flour, honey and cocoa. It's chocolate. What's not to love. :)

Brownies made with almond flour, honey and cocoa

http://gapsdiet.com

Spiritual Growth
M- OK enough about food for the moment. Tell me about your relationship with the Lord through all this?
E - I think it has grown. Because now I can pray for other people who are struggling and know how they feel.
M- Do you feel you've been given a ministry to others with isms?
E- Almost. Well.... Yeah. I have worked in the children's ministry with three-year-olds, and I can tell right away who does and who doesn't have an ism. I love being able to help the grown ups around them understand what they are feeling.
M- So you are sort of an "ism-translator" for little ones?
E- Yeah - something like that.

Fall 2012

Physical Changes
M- How do you feel physically?
E- I feel like I can do anything now if I put my mind to it. Three years ago I could try my best, but I wouldn't really have hope for that.
(As a side note, it is an amazing feeling to see muscle tone in a girl who struggled with the smallest of physical task. And to see her grow and get healthier everyday has been such joy.)

Emotional Differences
M- Do you feel different emotionally than you have in the last 4 years? I know that's a wide range, but from your worst moment to your best now, how is it different?
E- When I would have tantrums, I would go to my room and come out still mad. It wouldn't go away. I couldn't let go of the fear or the anger depending on what caused the tantrum. Sometimes they were because I was afraid. Other times because the fear turned to anger - the whole fight or flight thing. And sometimes just because the littlest things would make me angry. Now, very little makes me angry and almost nothing makes me afraid. I can do things now I never thought I would.
M- Like what?
E- Like rides at White Water, going to a Braves game or singing in front of people. Lots of stuff.

M- What does that feel like to have made such a change?
E- It feels so good. It's hard to describe. I visualize a big mountain before and now I feel like I'm on the other side of that mountain.

March 2013

The High Cost of Victory

Well, it would seem that no sooner did we post our incredible victories of this season of our life with isms, that we were asked to count the cost of such victories. This entry could also have been entitled – I temporarily interrupt this blog for a nervous breakdown – not by the children - but by the mom.

The following is a very long – it has been three months in coming – and hopefully honest portrait of the high cost of isms this mom has experienced in our journey. It isn’t meant to be bleak or harsh, but it is hard to write authentically about a “grown up melt-down” without some tinge of sadness, anger, despair, but hopefully, ultimately – Hope and Joy.

Let me start by saying that in the last three months since our last post, we have continued to see INCREDIBLE victories that I cannot wait to tell you about in another post. We have started a new type of therapy in conjunction with our other therapies and dietary changes, and as I said are seeing tremendous strides. We are MIRACULOUSLY not the same family we were a year ago. PRAISE GOD! But I truly sense that if I only share with you the great highs of this journey, then when you hit the place I hit a few months back, you may find yourself wondering if you are doing it wrong, or if you are the only one who doesn’t have the “super power” to do this unscathed. I can assure you – you are not.

About three months ago, I began to realize that while my children were excelling and exceeding beyond where I once thought even possible, I was reaching a point of no return physically, mentally, relationally, emotionally and yes, even spiritually.

In the season of my dad’s illness and subsequent death, stopping to refuel was not an option. There wasn’t margin with a dying father and two small children to stop and “be good to myself” – It was a comical idea. But because the season had an “end” I could keep pushing through when I thought I had reached my end. When we once again found ourselves in a do-or-die season of life – this time diagnosing and treating said “isms,” I remembered what it took to get through that time with my dad. So I strapped on my proverbial boots and got on the “healing treadmill.” I suppose it is instinctive to search and hunt for life when you feel your own is spinning out of control. When our oldest daughter’s ism hit a place that we were literally scared to death that she might not ever know the full joy God has intended for her (as well as our entire family), I set about this arduous journey begging for, expecting and searching for healing for her. Yes, I feel like Frodo – big feet and all.

I don’t think I was prepared for the marathon it would become. Sprinting through seasons of difficulty was manageable, but the seemingly “neverendingness” to these isms has taken a toll in ways I never thought possible.

I’ll lay it out in categories as I experienced them.

Emotionally – Isms are what they are. No one asks for them, but when they are presented to you, sometimes the package is broken, but cheerfully wrapped and you can find a way to successfully deal with it day by day. Often the packaging is wet and soggy from tears that never end because everything is always just too overwhelming. Sometimes the packaging is ice cold and won’t let you near it – no matter how much warmth you offer. Other isms come wrapped in explosives that have to be handled with care lest you lose a limb or an eye trying to unwrap it. When you receive these types of isms all at one time, the things that are said and done as the isms present themselves rip away at even the thickest skin. There is nothing more difficult as a mom than seeing, hearing, and trying not to believe the things that isms sometimes do and say. Nothing can really prepare you for how you will feel. It is shocking how much fear and anger the idea of lost hope can bring. It can be an emotional roller coaster that finds you screaming one day, crying uncontrollably the next and ultimately staring at walls wondering how you will get through another day. Then just as you think you have no more emotional fortitude, there is a spark of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel that doesn’t feel like a train, and you begin to remember what joy felt like, what hope felt like. You dare to imagine feeling anything again. It is enough of an emotional boost to see you around the next corner.

Physically – Unlike a real marathon, my journey with isms has not landed me on “Runners Weekly” but more like the American Medical Journal with the title – “Adrenal Fatigue Strikes Again.” Apparently there is a limit to the amount of consecutive stress one body can withstand and mine has reached it’s limit. Several of my very important systems, glands, hormones, etc. have decided to go on strike. While they have great sympathy for my on-going battle with these isms, they no longer feel they can adequately supply what I need. The demand is just too high. So a Venti-Decaf Mocha from Starbucks has stepped in and offered to do the job instead.  In return it has promised instant chocolate addiction, weight gain, but a smile to get through the hardest of ism days. In all seriousness, running the race to reach some sort of finish line with the most difficult of our isms brought about days in the last few months where there was no more “pushing through.” My body called it quits and demanded that I listen and obey. And so I am trying to slowly find a balance in all of this that will keep my body functioning and the isms at bay. Not an easy task and not my greatest area of victory at the moment. And before you begin thinking “Well, you just need to....” Please read the next high cost of victory section – the toll it takes on Relationships.

Relationally - One painful lesson I have learned in this particular season is that no matter how hard you try, people on the outside often just don’t get it. They are either quite certain you are doing too much or not doing enough. The response upon first sight of the ism cloaked in behavioral issues was often “You need to be stronger in your discipline – she has just got to learn that she can’t act that way,”   - as if we hadn’t already gone there and read every book known to man on daring to discipline. Another awkward moment was trying to describe how trying our days were only to hear, “That is just typical sibling behavior” – all the while knowing there was nothing “typical” about what we experienced. To these voices it was clear that I simply was doing too much the wrong way. On the rare occasion that people saw what we saw and the light bulb finally went on that we were indeed living with an ism and not a lack of discipline or overprotective parenting, we would actually get, “We thought you were exaggerating about your daughter’s condition until we saw it for ourselves.”

There was of course the ever-helpful, “You know, you need to get her medicated. You can’t live like this.”- the ultimate black hole of  “you're not doing enough.” Last but not least was the always-delightful doomsday scenario - “I saw on 20/20 where a child like this never got better. She’s in jail now.” All of these incoming voices served to make the journey I was undertaking all the more stressful and lonely. There were the dear few who, while not fully understanding our situation, offered no advice, just sincere love, prayers and the shoulder to lean on. Like the friends of Job in chapter 2 “They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” What a beautiful thing it is to have friends who know how to just shut up and make tea.

And then there were those who live with isms themselves – the ones who get it in a way no one else really can. This isn’t meant to sound harsh of those who do not live with isms, but like any type of suffering season, the best ministers are most often those who have walked or are walking in your shoes. It is just the reality of 2 Corinthians 4. “The God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Mentally – Ha! I have to laugh as I even try to begin to explain the high cost here. I really think that I used to have fairly witty banter in social settings and somewhat interesting things to share. Now, I mostly hope I don’t sound like Billy Crystal from “When Harry Met Sally” – “You look like a normal person, but really you’re the Angel of Death.” Nothing stirs a party more than a ragged “ism mom” babbling on about IgG’s, IgE’s and brain hemispheric delays. When you are constantly fatigued – hence the adrenal fatigue diagnosis - you find yourself saying things in public you never thought you would. I realized somewhere along the way I had lost my filter. You know the one that helps you answer the question, “How are you?” with a lovely, polite, southern – “Fine, just fine.” Well, when you are constantly paying the high cost of victory at home the answer to that harmless question becomes a game of Russian roulette depending on the day. To be fair, I think I also lost practice in things like social graces because one of our isms for almost a year has kept us under house arrest. We couldn’t go to the places where I could always refuel before due to out of control allergies. We couldn’t go out to restaurants so all meals have to made from home, from scratch with allergy friendly ingredients.  For a time there was no – “Get out and pamper yourself moments.” The ism wouldn’t allow me to leave its side even for a moment. I remember throwing a temper tantrum with Lord over my “imprisonment,” and he quickly reminded me that my “prison” was a mansion to most of His beautiful saints in the world. I was immediately humbled and begged Him to never let me go that far down the self-pity road again.

I do however dearly miss the ability to remember something – anything - from one day to the next. I find I can spout off the latest findings on neurological pathways but can’t remember what I did or whom I talked to yesterday. Lord forbid someone send me an email or phone message – most of which I think I have already responded to only to discover that I never did. A mind is a terrible thing to lose.

Spiritually – This is a tough one. In my 41 years, I have been blessed to learn more and more about the true nature of God. He has shown me what He looks like when He is forgiving the grossest of sins, what He looks like when tearing away parts of me that are cancerous, what He looks like when He asks me to wait and in return moves mountains to give me the desires of my heart – however “delayed” they seem. He has shown me what it means to share in his sufferings in death and how He blesses those who mourn. In this season He most often just reminds me of what I already know of Him. He has asked me to allow HIM to be the savior of my children, not me. He has asked me to acknowledge my limitedness and His limitlessness. He has asked me to remember that He has already WON. The Victory over all these isms is His and His alone. He has asked me to remember that the heart of a mom pales in comparison to the heart of The Father. His love for my girls and their God-granted isms exceed my capacity to understand. He has also asked me to rest in Him. This marathon cannot be run without rest, without patience, without refreshing and so that is where I am today. I watch Him heal my daughters. I watch him heal my family. I watch Him heal my broken body and my broken heart. All that I have gone through and listed both on here and in my head as I have grumbled through this process is a joke in comparison to His High Cost of Victory.  The High Cost of Victory in this – as in all things was His. I am so grateful and so humbled that the only reason I am able to perceive healing and hope for my family and for myself is because of His Great Cost of Victory.

 “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.” Job 13:15

Victories Via Ellie

Q – What does victory mean to you?

A – That I overcome something. Like getting my blood taken. Did you tell about the Victory Jar yet?

Q – No, why don’t you tell them about it.

A - It’s a jar you put your victories in. It is a jar that if we overcome something we remember that by writing them down on these rocks and putting it there. It is like this Bible story about Joshua where they put these rocks down to remember what God had done.

Q – What kind of victories do you put in the jar?

A - One time I was eating ice cream – that was before the diet. (Said with a grin) I spilled some on the ipod and that time (usually I would have an explosion over something like that) I was calm and I didn’t explode.

Q- How do feel about the victory jar?

A – I like it. It helps me be encouraged.

Q – Tell me about some of the other victories in the jar.

A – There is one that says “blood” – that is when I got my blood done. There is one there called “water on lap.” Usually I cannot pass through my day when I had spilled water, but now that is fine. Oh, and going to sleepovers - That used to be a big issue like being scared or something, but that night I wasn’t. And that one time that I swallowed that one capsule. I still can’t do it, but I did it that one time.

Big smile after 11 vials of blood for more allergy testing. Can you say victory?

Q – What about some of your recent victories?

A – Going to the Fox Theater to see the Sound of Music with a whole lot of crowds. Used to I would get anxious and not be able to do it. And my ears don’t hurt so much any more because it doesn’t seem so loud.

Q - Would you consider gymnastics a victory?

A - Oh yes, I love gymnastics. If I fall I just get right back up. On my first day, I was not shy. All my other classmates were shy, but I was like, “Come on guys!”

Q - What about the fair the other day?

A - The fair was a big victory too. Lots of people, lots of noises, lots of things. Lots of cotton candy (said with a laugh). Even though I didn’t ride any of the rides at the fair, I had a good time. I told ya’ll I’d rather have the money for the rides and spend it on something I really want.

A - I go to Sunday School now too. I used to NEVER go before because it was too much. And I used to meltdown every time after I got home cause they would feed us donuts all the time. They still do. I just tell them I don’t want them.

Q - Why do you think having victory is important?

A – That’s so I can do so much more and surprisingly one victory is over my worries. They have gone away. And now my logic kicks in more. The other day a babysitter got freaked out by a noise, and I said, “What’s the most logical answer?” It turned out to be the radio. It was funny that I wasn’t the one freaking out. I used my logic instead. (Having a babysitter versus having to be with mommy 24/7 is a victory too in our world :)

A - And I used to always sit in the back seats at Echo with earplugs, and now I sit at the front with no ear plugs. (Echo is the college Bible study Rob leads – very contemporary – very loud worship and very large – about 800 people.)

Enjoying Echo with NO earplugs!

Q - What do you think has helped you to have these victories?

A - My diet, Mrs. Becky (Christian counselor), Mrs. Jill (occupational therapist), my mom and dad, and God. And sports too. Remember when I did the high bar and swung into the pit? Used to I would have never done that, and now it’s just fine.

Q - What helps you to have victories in certain situations?

A – I just kind of push through – things like crowds just don’t bother me anymore – except when I can’t hear anyone. That really frustrates me.

Q - Are there times when it is still hard to have victory?

A - Yes. Like swallowing capsules. It’s frustrating.

Q - Do you ever feel like giving up?

A - Yup, but my mom makes me cause she knows someday I will have victory over it. (Mom now wiping away tears – didn’t see that one coming.)

Q – Any other victories or things about victory you want to share?

A - Nope – Oh yes, when we went tubing and I tried to hold on. A friend had warned me that it could be scary, and I was a little scared, even when I fell off, but I didn’t meltdown. I just thought – “Whew, that was scary!”

Oh and the sting rays at the beach – that was scary, but I didn’t meltdown. (They were actually only a few feet from her feet – daddy was the one who nearly melted down.)

In gymnastics this is called a "tada!" And captures this season of our lives.

Victory Over Isms

Whew! Well, we made it through Death Week (much like shark week) and I think needed a few days to recuperate. :) Thanks for your patience as we walked back through such tough times in our lives. NOW on to Victory! We’d love to take a few days to share with you how kind the Lord has been in our journey with isms to provide decided victories! This is our week to not only thank Him for all that he has done so far, but to thank him in advance for the victories yet to come. And we know there will be MANY based on the incredible victories we have seen so far.

So join us as we explore “Victory Over Isms” for a few days.

What Does Victory Look Like to Me?

There are many, many examples in the life of my children that I could give of victory, especially in this season – and I reserve the right to do say another day, but I think I will let their stories speak for themselves in their interviews. For now, I’d love to give you a glimpse of a scene the Lord used last week to burn in my heart the image of victory from someone outside our home.

I had the pleasure last week of sitting next to a beautiful “young” woman who was one day away from turning 76. She sat reclined in a Lazy-Boy at a perfect 45-degree angle to give her body some relief from the cancer raging inside. This faithful woman of God sat there in her white “cancer patient” turban looking the vision of loveliness and strength. I knew that the next topic the Lord was asking me to explore for the blog was victory over isms and watching her handle her current circumstances was the quintessential moment of victory over an ism. She talked of her children, of her love of the backyard and the animals that come to rest there for a few minutes every day. She talked of the Lord and his faithfulness and of the generosity of the saints sent to minister to her and her husband during this time. We reminisced about a day where she had walked our socks off on a local trail - and how much has happened in just a year. And when for a brief moment she felt deeply the coming possibilities of her circumstances, she was overcome with emotion. (We both were.) God in his sweetness helped me to instantly recall some incredibly sage advice given to me when I was anguishing over whether or not to put daddy in a nursing home or care for him in my own home. I was terrified of all the “what ifs” that would soon follow that type of decision. A clear, calm, tender voice said to me over the phone one day, “Denise, the Lord only ask you to care for today. Take this one step at a time, one day at a time.” It was the Balm of Gilead – the very “medicine” I needed to put all my fears in there proper place. It was what I so desperately needed to remember the goodness of the Lord, whose goal was not for me to suffer and twist with anxiety, but to rest in His sovereignty. And so last week, I looked in my friend’s eyes and repeated back to her the words she had so aptly spoken to me nearly 4 years ago.

“A wise woman once told me, one step at a time – one day at a time. YOU were that wise woman and your wisdom is as true today for you as it was for me. You can do this, but only one step at a time – one day at a time.”

As is often the case when I am in the presence of this woman, I wept. I felt I was in the presence of greatness. I also knew that I stared into the eyes of one who is and will always be VICTORIOUS. My friend continues her daily battle with the ism of cancer, but she does so with victory in sight. God has determined how he will heal her and in the mean time we have the honor of watching her run the race with dignity, humility and most of all victory.

May 2009 - A day when Mrs. Mary "outwalked" us all.

Letting Go Of Lee

Our Sylvia Plath-like week is nearly over here at the McDowell house, but is ironically ending on my late brother’s birthday – so... Just one more day to explore the ism of grief. This one, however, is quite possibly even more difficult to process. Unlike Daddy’s passing, we had no time to prepare for the loss of my brother, who was only 43 at the time. The following is an excerpt of something I wrote two years ago as I was grieving both my father and my brother’s deaths. If you are brave enough to walk through the “valley of the shadow” for one more day, you are welcome to it.

Originally written July 12, 2008 -
It was 2 years ago tomorrow that Lee took his own life. I remember the anguish of that call, the unbelief that encircled me. How could this be? It was a call we had all expected, dreaded, but somehow hoped would never come.
When you receive such a call that anyone you know and love has taken their own life, it is so morose that your mind cannot accurately deal with it. I suppose the emotion was only heightened because we had just been in the trenches for weeks following Daddy’s heart attack. I assumed the “death” call I would receive, if any, would be about my dad, but it was not.

The last time I saw my brother, was in the ICU after my dad’s heart attack. I honestly was not sure how I felt about his arrival. You see my brother was loving, funny, charismatic, but also bipolar and struggled with addictions. When Lee was doing well, he had a servant's heart, a giving nature, and a wonderful sense of humor. When he was struggling, it was difficult to see those parts of him you knew were there, just hidden beneath the isms. Gratefully, when I saw him in the ICU he seemed happy. From all outward appearances he seemed to be trying to turn his life around, and we all hoped that perhaps this time, it might be permanent.Anyone who has dealt with the highs and lows of a loved one who struggles with these “isms” knows how much you want to believe that this time will be different – no matter how many times you have been on that emotional roller coaster. I wanted so much for Lee’s story to read like hundreds I have read about: “His story was so hopeless, but then miraculously the Lord intervened. Lee accepted Christ and is now in full-time ministry bringing others like him out of bondage.”
But that was never to be Lee’s story. Oh, the Lord intervened and met him in ways I will probably never know, but Lee’s story does not unfold like a fairy tale. It was only a few weeks after my brief time with him when my father was still hospitalized that Lee decided to end his fight. I did not learn until his funeral that in the months prior to his death, he had – as described by the minister – “run down the aisle” giving his life to Christ fully. But for reasons only known to him, on that terrible night, he could only hear the horrible voices that tormented and urged him to end his life.

There is a Shane and Shane song that says “Son, welcome home. The war is over.” And that song brilliantly describes my brother’s life and death. The wars that raged in him, the voices that screamed at him were all that he heard that night. I truly believe that my brother thought it would be better to be with Christ – now that he sensed he truly could be – than to continue fighting the war.Am I angry at him? Yes. Do I blame him? No. I understand the temptation. To trade in the trials of this world for a savior waiting for me is extraordinarily inviting, but it is not His plan. And He asks us to continue to “fight the good fight” no matter what, and so we do.

In this season of mourning the suicide of brother and the long death of my father, I have found myself asking the question (that all mourners do) –

“What is the point?”

Lord, what is the point of all this reaching the masses, making a difference – blah – blah – blah – if our heavenly home awaits and we would be better off there? (I am sure you sense the grief there) – And in these final days of my season of mourning I hear,
“I AM”
"I AM the point – I have promised to never leave you or forsake you. I have summoned you and called you by name. I AM the Great Healer, Redeemer, Savior. I AM – I AM the point of it all. Trust and obey the I AM of it all and you will someday see the point. Hold on and fight the good fight because the Great I AM is fighting for you."

It has been the blessing of my loss. The epitaph to the great season of burial. ___________________________________________________
August 20, 2010 - Today would have been my brother’s 48th birthday. And despite the tragic way we had to lose him, we are still left with images of him when the war within was not so great - when all that mattered was baseball and being a family.






WAGING WAR
by Shane Barnard

It haunts me so
This gloomy weight
That comes and goes
Without a trace
A thousand times my flesh embrace
A thousand more but if for grace

To see the Lord, the promise land
Wherein all sin's pearly gates look bland
And what was once a pearl, now sand
That blows away in light of Him

When battle lines become unclear
And the waging war is all I hear
Sustain me with Your voice
And the choice to walk in truth
And by the Spirit

That I might see this day
This waging war might go away
And be no more
That I might see His face
And hear Him say
Son, welcome home
The war is over

Annie’s Memories of Pop Pop

Q – What do you remember about Pop Pop?

A – He always says, “Red, White and Blue.” Cause he was confused I think.

Q – How old were you when Pop Pop lived with us?

A – I think six or five.

Q – You were actually 3 going on 4.

A – Really? (Surprised and puzzled look on her face) I don’t remember that. I also remember that he liked fruit.
Q – Can you share a memory you have of him?

A – I went to the fourth of July with him. It was always fun. I stood next to him and sometimes talked to him. That (memory) makes me sad, cause he’s not here with us like he was last 4th of July. (actually three 4th of July’s ago – but who’s counting?)
Q - Did you do anything special for Pop Pop?

A – Umm... Filled up his fruit and candy bowl in his room so he could have his fruit early in the morning next to him.

Q – How did that make you feel to do that for Pop Pop?

A – Special cause Pop Pop would always say, “Thank you, Annie.” Sometimes he would get confused and call me “Sweetie Pie.” He probably thought I was his daughter.

Q – What was your favorite thing about Pop Pop?

A – Everything. Having Christmas with him. That way we could celebrate with all our family.

Q – Was there anything you didn’t like about him living with us.

A – I think it was perfectly fine. Because I missed him when he lived over there (Alabama) and we wouldn’t get to see him much. Like I could just go downstairs to his room and say, “Hi Pop Pop!”

Q – Did he ever do anything funny?

A- He did walk out without his stroller-thingy. The walker thing – I forget what it’s called. He walked out and he said, “Hey!” And we all laughed. Cause he didn’t usually come out without his walker because if he didn’t come out with a walker, he might trip. Q – How did you feel when Pop Pop died?

A – I felt sad. I felt sad for mommy cause that was her favorite dad.

Q – What would you tell other boys and girls that might lose a grandparent?

A – I’m sorry that that happened. And I would pray for them. God’s always with you and your parents are in your heart.

Ellie Remembers Pop Pop

Q – What is your first memory of Pop Pop?

A – He was a quiet, peaceful guy. I remember me and Pop Pop going picking peas. We went to his garden and he showed me all the things he planted and he said, “This is what we are going to pick today.” And he showed me how to snap them and I watched.
Q – What else do you remember about him?

A – He loved sweets. He ate Moon Pies for breakfast and always had pop tarts for us. He loved to give gifts so he gave me a lot of the Little Bear movies.

Q – When did he come to live with us?

A – After he had his heart attack.

Q – And how did you feel about that?

A – Happy. Excited, because I got to live with him and take care of him. He could tell stories.

Q – What is your favorite memory of Pop Pop?

A – When he went camping with us. Actually no. I loved when you would read Little House on the Prairie to us and he would tell us stories about what he would do with his pa.

Q – Do you remember any of those stories?

A – When mom would read about Ma churning stuff, Pop Pop would say, “My mama did that too.” One time we were reading about how Pa killed a panther and Pop Pop said, “I did that.” And he told us a story about when he killed a panther too. Oh, and I remember we had to listen to the history channel 24/7.

Q - Did he ever do anything that was funny?

A – At breatkfast and he would say, “Red, White and Blue and sometimes Yellow” and I would just say, “Umhmm. That’s right Pop Pop.” He would say that because he was confused. All those toxins inside of him would make him confused. And we would clean his dentures at night.

Q – How did it make you feel having Pop Pop live with us?

A – Sometimes challenging. Sometimes fun.

Q – What was challenging?

A- Like we had to go to dialysis a lot. We had to go here and there a lot. We didn’t always get to do what we wanted to.

Q – What was fun about it?

A – Being a help to Pop Pop and filling up his fruit and candy bowl at night. Listening to him tell stories.

Q – Are you glad he got to live with us before he died?

A – Yes. Otherwise he probably would have hurt himself. And that way he wouldn’t be lonely and he had relationships with us.

Q – When you are a grown up, would you bring daddy to live with you if he was sick?

A – Ummhmm. Because I know I could do a lot for him and I would want him to feel better.

Q – How did you feel when Pop Pop died?

A – Sad. The house seemed quieter. Nothing was very normal.

Q – What would you tell another little girl who might be dealing with her grandfather’s death or sickness?

A – That it’s OK and that if he is a Christian you may see him again in heaven.

Q – What do you miss most about Pop Pop?

A – Taking care of him and his stories.

Q – Anything else you want to share about Pop Pop or the ism of grief?

A – I don’t think so. I remember at the funeral that some people couldn’t even talk they were so sad. I kind of felt sorry for them. And mom was very sad.